When I found this picture on a social networking site it took me down the memory lane .I could not really stop writing about it  in my next blog before anything else . I saved the picture and a few minutes later I got the same image as a whatsapp message from my husband asking "Why not this be the next blog ?" . We could relate to the pic so much . 

I never thought babies are miracle when we got married .  When I did not conceive the first couple of years I was really not worried about it . Being in the initial stages of career and marriage I was struggling to balance both . We never thought we were missing anything in life until we visited hometown for a wedding or for a long weekend. Everyone we met had the same question to ask , " Good news ? "  .

As years passed the questions I face started getting wierd " Did you never conceive before or is  it that you had a miscarriage? " The most wierd and hurting line which was said as a joke was " Are you guys doing it right " .I still remember how i walked out of the crowd smiling at the 'supposed to be joke' and closed myself behind the doors to cry my eyes to sore.

Years flew and every question and comment started to hurt more and more with each passing day . When we completed 2 years of marriage we started visiting an infertility specialist . It followed with years of tests and screenings . I can still smell and taste those metformin tablets which I had for years . I could see the crowd outside the doctor's cabin were increasing everyday and monthly scanning started becoming a nightmare . It was disgusting to remember how we had to stand in a line waiting for our turn removing the bottom wear as the doctor did not have time to waste ( This was in a super speciality hospital) . I felt that was the meanest thing you can do to a woman . The anxiety and stress started to build with all this .

Then the rest of the days all we did were spending huge money on tests , medicines , injections , hoping every month for a good news and finally cry for 2 to 3 days when you know none of it has worked and get back to doctor again . I dreaded attending family functions as many looked at us with sympathy and acted as they were equally upset about it  , many gave advices ,  every other person suggested a doctor they have heard of and the oldest generation came up with home remedies and tips.Everyone thought they were helping but none realised we had to be left alone and everything was hurting us and not helping us .

At one point I could not manage hospital follow ups and career. I chose to concentrate on the treatment during an important turning point of my career . Everything seemed to be so difficult . Both of us underwent surgeries as a part of the treatment. I was getting fed up of hospitals and treatments. Luckily my husband had to move country for better career prospects. I was happy to follow so that I could get a break from the pressure that was building inside me . New place helped us to escape from treatments for some time . I stopped keeping track of dates and worrying about it for a few months .

My mother again came up with a doctor's name who visits Dubai few days every month . As she insisted we started visiting him . Those visits made us realise the whole concept of such treatments has become a business.  As everyone is going through this emotional trauma they were ready to spend as much as they were asked to. Even though we had all the reports he kept on redoing tests and we would end up with the same prescription after every visit . For them the best way was to prolong things to get the best for their business. The repeated infections after every visit to the clinic made me quit visiting him . We decided to take a break from all treatments . 

Once when me and my husband were alone and out for dinner with a little reluctance I asked him " Why can't we adopt ? " I thought I would have to persuade him for it . But to my surprise his response was quick "Let's do it . But before that let's see for 3 more months if treatment works" . I agreed with him.

We started enquiring about the best Gynecologist in the same city and we were lucky to get an appointment with one of the best doctors in the city . We got back to the routine of injections  and weight loss. Every alternate days we had to visit the hospital for injections so we moved to a house closer to hospital . First month was a disappointment. Second cycle of injections started and this time doctor changed the medicine for injections so that my body would respond better . Even with stronger medicines my body was not responding the way it should . Second month was a disappointment too

Before the third cycle started doctor said as days pass my chances would be less .The doctor said that in  the way my ovary is responding I might not have a baby if I do not conceive in a year  . I cried day and night and later made up my mind that it would be the last month of treatments . We were all prepared for an IUI . Since that month would be the last of the trial period I decided to give my best the whole month.I started doing everything what everyone who had a success story suggested online, like home remedies , staying positive along with the treatment .

Staying positive was the best part of it . I started writing a diary for the baby believing he or she is on the way .Drew a picture of the baby, imagining how the baby would look and kept it as a wall paper on my phone. Exercised and dieted religiously .I did not want to leave any stone unturned so did everything I read and heard about . After the IUI the wait was annoying . The day of the blood test finally arrived . I was feeling a slight pain in the lower abdomen from morning . While waiting outside the doctor's cabin for the results I told my husband in a low voice holding back my tears. " I feel it didn't work this time too . Sorry for disppointing . I can't go through this again .". He said " That's fine . Let's do what we have decided if it doesn't work "

I was surprised how I let go the positive thought in the last moment.  I knew deep inside I was just preparing myself for the bad news . We entered the doctor's room and waited to hear what doctor was saying . She checked her system and said my reports were not in yet . When we were about to step out to check with the lab she called from behind and said " You are pregnant." I had to go through many more injections after that . My pregnancy was definitely not a smooth ride with gestational diabetes and BP but it was much better than those treatment days . 

My heart still go out to people who wait outside the doctor's cabin . The first time I held my daughter in my hand and kissed her I knew it is all a miracle . She is definitely a miracle for me . I was wrong to think I would escape from people's questions after having a baby. They still ask me " When is the second ? " it doesn't hurt as before . But I clearly tell them it is not as easy as u think for everyone . I have met many more outside the doctor's cabin  who had bitter stories to share. Many had a few abortions and many were not lucky enough to conceive even after years of treatments and IVFs .

This post is for all women who struggle to become a mother. I know what you are going through. Stay positive and I thought reading a success story might help you to stay positive .

This is also for all the people who enquire about good news .Please stop asking this question as a part of pleasantaries. You never know what they are going through.Bring it up only if you can really help otherwise just leave them alone . You are neither going to help them take care of the baby once they have one nor going to let them adopt yours if they never succeed . A passive comment or suggestion does not really help . If you really are concerned about such people just create a stress free atmosphere for them and do not bring that topic in .
 
 
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Image copyright belongs to the person who captured it . Used it with gratitude as it suits the content .
During one period, train travels were quiet common for me. Once I was travelling back home exhausted after a hectic day. Just before boarding the train I bought a bottle of water. While paying the seller I realized that was the last smallest bill I have .All I left with was a 100 Rs note in my wallet. I had forgotten to withdraw money from my account. Since I do not have much time left to walk all the way out of the station, I decided to manage with what I have.

I boarded the train and found my seat. After leaving my luggage beneath the berth, I settled down on my seat with a book I was looking forward to finish reading.As the train took its pace I started reading the book. After a few minutes I could hear a group advancing through the crowd, clapping their hands and asking for money. The sound started approaching me and I knew who they were. The sight of a group of transgender people is quite common during such travels. If refused to give money, they may embarrass the person into giving money by touching, using profane language, and even making sexual advances.

When I heard them the only thing that was in my mind at that moment was, I do not want them to touch me or embarrass me. Usually what I do is I keep the money ready when I hear them from a distance so as soon as they reach I can immediately give it to them without much drama. This time I knew it was going to be different. If I give them the 100 Rs note which was all what I was left with , I knew I would be in deep trouble in case of an emergency. So the only choice I had at that moment was to ignore them and pretend as if I haven't seen them since I was involved in the book.

The sound of the group started getting closer and I was getting nervous. I was trembling deep within but still pretended to be immensely involved in the book. Finally they reached and started asking money to people who were sitting next to me. I heard a sound calling "Akka" (means sister). I knew the person was addressing me but I acted as if I did not hear and was busy reading. Again I heard a voice "hey" .I fixed my eyes on the same page and decided not to look elsewhere.

The next moment I could feel a hand on my thigh. I screamed dropping my book springing from my seat. I was standing, shivering, with all tears in my eyes. When I finally mustered courage and looked at the person who touched me I understood she was shocked by my reaction .With a trembling voice I said “I do not have money with me”. The response I got was "That's fine. Please sit. We are also human". I could see the person was deeply hurt.

I could see the pain in those eyes. I was still shivering. They left the place and walked to the next compartment .It took some time for me to come back to my normal self as I got really scared by that touch . But I could never forget the pain I saw in those eyes. I am still guilty for that naive impulsive reaction of mine.

I knew the society which includes me made them do what they are doing now. We are not ready to accept them as one among us. We are not ready to help them live a normal life as you and me, accepting the way they are. They deserve to be treated as human like each one of us with acceptance and equal rights.

 
 
Picture
Image Copyrights belongs to the person who captured it . Used it with gratitude as it relates to the content
We lived in Chennai for several years and Pondy bazaar is one of the busiest streets for street shopping in Chennai .  I miss street shopping now when I shop in these air conditioned high end malls . Anyways , the memory what I want to share here is not a street shopping experience  . Once in middle of such a street shopping exploration I met a little girl who would be around 5 years. This incident was years back .. around 7 years back .

She was a lovely girl who lives on those streets . She and her family begs for a living during the day and sleeps on one of those foot paths when all those shoppers and sellers return home and when the streets go quiet . I am someone who doesn't entertain giving money to people on streets as I neither want to be someone who contribute to make people lazy nor want to be a passive supporter of those money minting rackets which makes money exploiting people .I want to help people who needs genuine help who are helpless and have done best of what they could and still couldn't make it to meet their needs. So as I mentioned already I never give money to people who come and beg on streets , but I buy food for them .

So this almost 5 year old girl followed me asking for money while we were walking on the street back to where we parked our car . She was behind me and the voice of a little girl pleading "I am hungry , Please give me money" stopped me . I turned to see the little girl who was not tidy enough and had dirt sticking on her face . She was wearing only a shorts. I turned around to see her smiling at me . The smile was so adorable that I stood there smiling back . I could see the excitement on her face as I smiled back .

The smile touched my heart .Even after 7 years that smile I saw on her face is so clear and fresh in my memory . She again said " I am hungry . Please give me some  money " . I smiled and said "I won't give you money but if you are hungry I will buy you food."She was not even wearing a dress to cover her completely. But she had a pleasant face throughout our meeting what most of us miss despite of having everything in life. As soon as I started talking to her I saw a young lady walking towards us and she started standing with her and said please give us some money . Then came a girl who would be around 12 years , then another boy who would be around 10 years . She smiled at me and said that is my mother , brother and sister .

By then I could hear my husband calling me from behind . He did not realize I was not with him unless he reached the car and walked all the way back to find me in a crowd which he was not that happy with . It was not because they belong to the street . The reason was that he was told by many that these people on the streets are not really safe to deal with . He was worried about my safety . A few bad experiences make people doubt on everyone who asks for help . 

He asked me to leave and said we are late . It was close to 10.30 pm . All the shops were closing. I said "Please,  5 minutes . Let me buy food for her ." She immediately interrupted saying "No, not just for me. Can you please buy for them too if you are buying. " She said pointing her finger to her mom and siblings. I smiled at her and said " Sure ! I will. "

I went to the next renowned vegetarian restaurant , place an order for them and asked them to keep it ready as a take away .I paid for it and took the token and  stepped out when they informed me it will take 10 minutes . I handed over the token to the lady and asked her to buy it after 10 minutes .She denied to take the token saying they will not let her enter the restaurant and they will be shooed away if they try to step in . I was a bit shaken hearing it but then I knew there was nothing to be surprised about . So I decided to wait in my car as I had someone waiting in the car with a worried look .

I walked to the car and sat down when this girl again followed me and stood next to me . I sat in the front passenger seat with my car door open so that I could speak to her . I had fallen in love with her adorable face and innocent smile . I started asking her " Don't you want to go to school ? "  She smiled and said "Yes , I want to . But I can't . Amma doesn't have money . My brother and sister also doesn't go to School."

I kept quiet and soon I started imagining how she would look after a good bath in clean clothes and a school bag . I was sure she would look as adorable as any kid of her age . Waking up from my sweet imagination when I looked at her she was making faces looking at a doll which was hung on our car mirror .

I asked her whether she wants it . She smiled and said "No" . Her reply took me to a surprise . I knew she liked it . So any girl of her age wouldn't say no when someone offers her a toy she likes . But after a small pause very reluctantly she asked "Could you buy me a dress if you don't mind. It's too cold in the night and mosquitoes doesn't let me sleep ." That request brought tears .She already knew the difference between need and necessity.

I stepped out and looked around . All the shops were closed . It was too late in the night . I couldn't find a  shop to buy a dress at that moment . 

We have been waiting close to 15 minutes so I stepped out, took the parcel from the restaurant counter and handed it over to the girl first . It was too big for her to carry but she thanked me with a smile from the heart . I still looked around but I couldn't find any open shops . I promised her I will buy one dress for her the next time I would meet her . I was not happy with that decision of mine but I had no choice . She was all I thought about for days . 

We went back to the same street many times after that . I met a lot of other little girls but could never meet her ever again . I still feel bad for not able to fulfill my promise . Now I might never even recognize her next time I see her . But that smile of her still touch me beyond years. I wish I could some day come out of this guilt of not fulfilling that promise.